The Shadowhunter's Codex: Vampire Revision
by Bite-Me-Batty
Summary: The Codex has been rewritten...by the Vampires of the Hotel Dumort. Well, by ex-shadowhunter Ryan Nightscar, and assisted by Daylighter Simon Lewis. See the Nephilim's guide to life as according to the vampire population.
1. Introduction

**Me: *casually humming Fall Out Boy's "Centuries"***

 **Simon: You are strangely obsessed with Ninja Turtles and Falling Boys.**

 **Me: Shut up. I listen to "Millennium Lint", too. Eric's posted music videos on YouTube.**

 **Simon: Actually, we're "Midnight Burrito" now, remember?**

 **Me: How can you expect me to? When I remember the name "Midnight Burrito" you'll change it to "Noon-day Taco" or something.**

 **Simon: Touche.**

 **Me: Anyway, introducing The Shadowhunter's Codex: Vampire Revision by Ex-Shadowhunter Ryan Nightscar, assisted by Daylighter Simon Lewis.**

 **Simon: Please. It's enough when I have demons and Faeries address me as "Daylighter." I prefer Simon.**

 **Jace: I prefer "Blood-sucker".**

 **Me: Go away, Jace. Raphael is going to kill you if he finds you in here.**

 **Jace: No he won't. He'd be breaking the Law.**

 **Simon: I don't think he cares actually.**

 **Me: You have no reason to be at the Dumort other than criticizing our beautiful revision.**

 **Jace: It's not beautiful, it's insulting.**

* * *

 **Me:...Anyway, here is the Vampire Revision of the Codex.**

 _ **The Shadowhunter's Codex: Vampire Revision, Being a record of the ways and laws of the Nephilim, the chosen of the angel Raziel according to the Children of the Night. Revised by Ex-Shadowhunter Ryan Nightscar, assisted by Simon Lewis.**_

Welcome and all that other blah. Blah blah Nephilim blah Mortal Cup blah blah demons and Downworlders, not to mention fabulous vampires1 blah blah etcetera. -R. N.

 _ **1**_ _Such as myself and Ryan. -S. L._

What Is a Shadowhunter?

Disrespectful idiots that don't seem to appreciate vampire-kind. We are much more fabulous than they give us credit for. They do a lot of stuff related to The Mortal Cup, The Mortal Sword and The Mortal Glass and The Angel Raziel...A lot of them live in Idris...They read the Gray Book...they were founded by a dude who called himself Jonathan Shadowhunter. Simon wishes me to note that he thinks it was convenient that his name was "Shadowhunter" as well. -R. N.

 _ **Wow, that's pretty insulting for someone who used to be a shadowhunter..-J. H.**_

 _ **I can say what I want for that very reason.-R. N.**_

 _ **What's Simon's excuse then?-J. H.**_

 _ **He's my friend. That's his excuse.-R. N.**_

The Shadowhunter Oath

This section is just a bunch of crap about memorizing a hundred words and swearing and promising and more memorizing in the name of Raziel. I'll skip this. -S. L.

Shadowhunter Names

I won't far go into this. Traditional shadowhunter names are compound, like my name, Nightscar. There's a bunch of other things, too. Like Fairchild, Lightwood, Wayland, Herondale, etcetera. The name has to be approved by the Clave or something, and you can't call yourself stupid stuff. So don't try it.

I'll put this in for the heck of it: What is your shadowhunter name? _**Well, I thought it was Wayland, but then Valentine Morgenstern told me I was his son and so then I thought that I was a Morgenstern. Then I discovered my actual dad was Stephen Herondale. But I didn't know him so I went by Lightwood, and now I finally decided to go by Herondale. So I guess Herondale.-J.H._Dude, did you seriously just write all that? -R. N. I think he did. That was a stupid question.-S.L.**_

The Shadowhunter's Glossary

Raziel's chosen are Shadowhunters or Nephilim blah blah. They kill demons. They attempt to keep peace among mega awesome and fabulous vampires, somewhat fabulous warlocks2, fairly cool werewolves, and completely uncool Faeries.3 Then there are like a million paragraphs about Idris and Alicante, the Silent Brothers and the Iron Sisters. And Secrecy. -S.L.

 _ **Actually, there's only two. -J.H.**_

 _ **Back off, Herondale. -S.L.**_

 _ **2**_ _Magnus is exceptionally and fully Fabulous. Catarina is cool, but I never met Ragnor. According to Magnus, he was a bore. And I trust Magnus's Judgment.-R.N._

 _ **3**_ _Exception: Kaelie. She's a waitress at Taki's, and she's pretty decent. She make's sure my and Simon's blood is out double time, which is convenient.-R.N._

Clave, Council, Consul, Covenant

AKA Too Many Cs.

The Clave is the Shadowhunter Government, pretty much. The Council is the Clave Government, The Consul is pretty much the president, and the Covenant is the Law.

Note To Self: Skip Discussion Quesions. -S.L.


	2. Chapter or Section 1: Treasury

**Me: Jace, go away please. I'm already in trouble with Raphael.**

 **Jace: Too bad, so sad.**

* * *

 **Simon: Here we go again...**

Ah, So here we are again. More crap about Shadowhunters. Bleh.

They don't use firearms. Whatever. More advantage to us vampires.

 _ **Wow. Stop stroking your revolver, that's disturbing.-J.H.**_

 _ **You're just jealous.-R.N.**_

 _ **Both of you cut it out. Ryan's about to shoot you Jace, you realize that there's a gun at your head, right?-S.L.**_

So, there's a lot in here. It basically says on this page that Shadowhunters rush unprepared into hand-to-hand combat. And it also says that you guys need to know a lot about every weapon. Cuz good looks don't get you anywhere with demons, so they're invalid weapons. *cough cough* Herondale...-R.N.

 _ **I don't appreciate that. -J.H.**_

 _ **Well, I don't appreciate your face, but no one's doing anything about that, so suck it up. You're a big boy now...or do you want your mommy? Or rather, Alec's mommy...-R.N.**_

 _ **I hate him too, but that's a little cruel.-S.L.**_

 _ ***This* is my "I don't care" face. -R.N.**_

Apparently, most Institutes don't have the right weapons because there's this sidebar in the codex that says to _make sure_ that they're well stocked. Hah. The sidebar right under that says that the weapons are marked with runes to keep demons from healing. Do you guys not answer any ascending Shadowhunter's question yourself? Or do you just let the Codex do it? Lazy people...-S.L.

 _ **I find a need to point out that we do answer questions. It just comes in handy to have it in the Codex.-J.H.**_

 _ **Because someone will totally wake up from a nap after you tell 'em and forget why the runes are on their sword. -S.L.**_

I'm gonna seriously abbreviate this next section. Apparently Shadowhunters don't know what swords and axes and bows are so they go into detail about it. But it does mention Seraph blades. Not everyone knows about those. So: special daggers made of _adamas_ that you have to memorize a bunch of angel names in order to use. _Adamas_ is a heavenly metal and all that crap. It also mentions that iron's toxic to faeries and silver to werewolves and vampires. It causes a lot of pain for us. Gold is toxic to demons and blah blah. And a bunch of stuff about holy wa

 _ **AHHHH HERONDALE WHAT IN THE NAME OF RAZIEL ARE YOU DOING?! I'M TRYING TO WRITE A BOOK HERE!-R.N.**_

 _ **Your comment about holy water reminded me I had holy water with me.-J.H**_

 _ **YOU COULD HAVE LET ME FINISH WRITING BEFORE YOU GOT MY RIGHT HAND! AHH JELL-O CUPS! THAT STINGS...-R.N.**_

 __Since Ryan can't write in anything but sloppy capital letters with his left hand until his right hand recovers, I'll be taking over for a while. I'll skip Armor and all the stuff Shadowhunters like to carry around through the grocery store. All you need to know about Sensors is that they're a Shadowhunter's psychic powers so they know when demons are around. I'll exclude history of Sensors and all the FAQs and crap.

Steles are used for advanced body art called Marking. Shadowhunters like to draw runes on themselves.

 _ **It's called protection.-J.H.**_

 _ **Ryan asked me to write in, "your mom is protection, but you don't have one. Burn!" So I humored him, though I wish you two would stop fighting like caged dogs. It's getting boring. -S.L.**_

Witchlight stones, in a nutshell, are Shadowhunter flashlights. And thats it for Chapter One. YAY! -S.L.

 _ **!**Ryan wishes you all to know that he won't be writing in the next chapter because Jace just dumped more holy water on him. Thank You.-Simon**!**_


	3. Chapter or Section 2: The Arts

**Simon: Whoopee doo, it's chapter 2.**

 **Jace: Who says stuff like that?**

 **Simon: Apparently I do. Anyway. Ryan's hand is still recovering so he will not be writing in this chapter.**

 **Ryan: _I CAN BUT ONLY IN SLOPPY CAPITAL LETTERS! JACE! MALEDICTI UMBRA VENANDI! EGO NUMQUAM DIMITTET VOBIS!_**

 **Jace: Ooh, you speak Latin, big deal. _Es et draconi qui est._**

 **Ryan: _TE ODIO. GO AWAY._**

 **Simon: English, please?**

 **Jace: Google Translate it, Daylighter. Latin to English.**

 **Simon: I can't, I have to write.**

The Arts. Interesting Chapter name at least.

 _ **The Codex has its moments.-J.H.**_

 _ **SHUT UP AND LET HIM WRITE.-R.N.**_

 _ **Also, I was being sarcastic.-S.L.**_

Basically they are stressing the importance of learning how to fight and kill stuff in multiple ways.

 _ **I CAN FIGHT AND KILL STUFF IN MULTIPLE WAYS. WELL, I COULD IF A STUPID SHADOWHUNTER PREDJIDICED AGAINST DOWNWORLDERS HADN'T SPLASHED ME WITH HOLY WATER!-R.N.**_

 _ **I am not prejudiced against Downworlders. That's TECHNIALLY against the Law. You'll find that out later on.-J.H.**_

 _ **WE CAN'T ALL OPERATE ON TECHNICALITIES CAN WE, HERONDALE?!-R.N.**_

 _ **LET ME WRITE! STOP PASSING THE LAPTOP BACK AND FORTH YOU IDIOTS!-S.L.**_

 __Ok. So interesting tidbit here: Marks of Raziel help physical traits, but the Shadowhunters make you learn it yourself first. I find that interesting because that means they ARE preparing you for that inevitable time when they don't have a stele. They also encourage you to travel around in the mundane world and get used to it instead of cowering in Alicante. And since I'm using Clary's copy of the Codex to rewrite it, there is a schedule in here designed by Jace and edited by Clary, but I'll save you the misery of reading it.

It's actually really boring.

There's something about not being an expert in everything here...Oh wait, not interesting, though a good thing to point out. Jace would do well to learn that lesson.

 _ **I have. I am a humble person.-J.H.**_

 _ **HAHAHAHAHA!-R.N.**_

I'll do you all a favor and skip the criteria for Beginner, Intermediate and Expert, and summarize the firearms sidebar: They don't work for the purpose Shadowhunters need them for. But they do like torturing us poor vampires and werewolves with them.

 _ **We do not. That is a hurtful stereotype.-J.H.**_

 _ **But not an exaggeration.-S.L.**_

So. My definition of the _parabatai_ tradition is: A Bromance of Very Heavy Duty Proportions. And Jace actually agreed with me in the original Codex, so I will leave it at that.

 _ **SIDE NOTE!**_ **PARABATAI** ** _AREN'T ALLOWED TO MARRY! -R.N._**

 _ **Sorry about that. Forgot all about it.-S.L.**_

Next section: Basically, If you don't know what a demon is, call up your local Institute and describe it to them, and let those with experience handle it.

And that brings us to the conclusion of this chapter. Goodbye. -S.L.

 **Jace: I like your revising better than Ryan's.**

 **Ryan: _ONLY BECAUSE YOU CAN'T APPRECIATE THE PURE GENIUS OF THE EX-SHADOWHUNTER VAMPIRE, RYAN NIGHTSCAR!_**


End file.
